“Kimberly, I see the numbers. I understand the numbers. But I just can’t make myself trust the numbers.”
My clients, Jim and his wife, Katherine (not their real names), had been on this Zoom call for about half an hour as I tried to convince him that there was no logical reason why they shouldn’t continue with their plans to retire. Yes, I had listened to him talking about how tough 2020 had been. I gave him permission, verbally and nonverbally, to let it all spill out: the complete disbelief, followed by anxiety, as the economy shut down in the spring; the worries about the security of his and his wife’s income; the near-constant, low-grade fear about getting sick with the virus; the dismay as social unrest swept the country; the riptides of emotion around the presidential election. I agreed with him: it was a lot to handle. The past year had been one for the record books, and not in a good way.
Keep in mind, this was not our first conversation about all this. For the past five years, I had been working with Jim and Katherine on their glide path to retirement. He was a successful executive in a Fortune 500 company, and Katherine was at the end of a long and respected education career. They both had ample resources in 401Ks, pension plans, and personal savings. We had done the Monte Carlo simulations for all the scenarios. Most recently, near the end of 2020, I had provided them with an analysis of what could happen if the market underwent another 30-percent-plus decline during the early years of their retirement. They would still be in good shape, because we had been preparing for this moment for more than five years, positioning their portfolios for minimum disruption by the equity markets while maintaining reasonable growth for the future. There was no reason why they shouldn’t immediately begin enjoying the fruits of their long years of hard work and careful saving and investing.
But Jim was paralyzed. Like an infantry soldier who has seen buddies killed in front of him, he couldn’t pull his emotional vision away from what he had experienced in 2020 long enough to look forward with confidence to what the future held for him. I could have stacked Monte Carlo simulations in front of him all day long, and it wouldn’t matter: he had financial shell-shock. Despite being in a job that was no longer personally fulfilling, despite having the resources to begin spending his time doing more of what he wanted to do, he just couldn’t allow himself to take the next step.
Whether we realize it or not, many of our clients are going through some version of Jim’s malady. From postponed retirements to forced retirements, from businesses on life support to suddenly unemployed children or grandchildren, many of our clients continue to sort through the jumbled emotions left in the wake of a year of unprecedented social, political, and public health upheaval. How we respond as fiduciary advisors—charged to deal not just with portfolios and estate plans, but also with the human beings who own and depend on them—is crucial to our practices and to our value in society.
Instead of leading your team with the mantra "Never let them see you sweat," consider a more honest, real approach.
It should come as no surprise that the most-read article in the Harvard Business Review during 2020 was Scott Berinato’s “
And by the way, this won’t benefit our clients alone; psychological research has consistently demonstrated the
The future of referrals won’t be driverless but it will be largely remote and fueled by pre-COVID fundamentals.
But even beyond the personal benefits, there are solid business reasons why it makes sense to focus on leading with empathy right now. As noted by
1. Be there, and be real. This means acknowledging your own emotions and concerns—to yourself at minimum, and to a trusted confidant if possible. You can’t respond authentically to someone else’s worries until you’ve dealt honestly with your own.
2. Listen. Really listen. Do you know why so many people love dogs? It’s because no matter what kind of day you’ve had, your dog is always glad to see you and will always pay attention to you when you’re talking to it. As an experienced psychological counselor once told me, “All most of us really want, when you boil it down, is to truly be heard.”
3. Tune up your emotional radar. For some of us, this will be easier than for others. But for all of us, it’s important to have some sensitivity to the feelings of those around us. It’s a common proverb, but it’s common for a reason—it’s true: No one will care how much you know until they know how much you care. Instead of jumping straight into your next client’s quarterly numbers and your list of recommendations, take a second to look them in the eye and ask, “How are you doing?” And then follow Step #2.
Time will tell whether I’m able to coach Jim through the paralyzing anxiety that prevents him and Katherine from beginning to enjoy the secure and satisfying retirement lifestyle that they successfully planned. But whatever happens, I’m determined to lead with empathy in my future interactions with him and my other clients. Sure, the current environment is still keeping us physically isolated from each other. But we have the power to prevent it from stealing the human, emotional connections that we all depend on for survival.
