The 6 funniest wealth management jokes of the year — and a song

December 20, 2023 5:26 PM

Financial advisors from across the country told us their jokes. We compiled the ones that gave us a chuckle.

It's been a long, tough year for wealth management, and we could all use a laugh. Fortunately, financial advisors have supplied the jokes.

Financial Planning has conducted a scientific survey of financial humor from across the country, analyzed the data and distilled a sampling of the industry's finest riddles, stories and even a Destiny's Child song parody.

The results are below. As the year winds down and we take a short break from the serious stuff, hopefully these gags will induce a few chuckles … or at least a memorable groan. If not, there's always next year.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wealth management comedy tour:

Will Brennan, certified financial planner and founder of

Park Hill Financial Planning

in Denver

Q: How do you make a small fortune by trading options?

A: Start with a big fortune.

Sean Lovison, CFP and founder of

Purpose Built Financial Services

in Moorestown, New Jersey

Q: Why do passive investors make terrible comedians?

A: They lack timing.

Scott Bishop, CFP and partner at

Presidio Wealth Partners

in Houston

Q: What's another name for long-term investment?

A: A failed short-term investment.

Kashif Ahmed, CFP and president of

American Private Wealth

in Bedford, Massachusetts

Q: How many financial advisers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He hires a lightbulb specialist to do it and then charges you 1% of your assets each year.

Ric Edelman, CBDA (Certified in Blockchain and Digital Assets) and founder of

Edelman Financial Engines

A dad sends his son to the delicatessen to buy food for the family's Sunday brunch. As the boy approaches the counter, he sees some bowls behind the glass display that are filled with unfamiliar foods.

The first bowl has a sign that says, "Financial Advisor Brains - $25/ounce." The second bowl says, "Physician Brains - $50/ounce." And the third bowl says, "Economist Brains - $1,000/ounce."

The boy asks the butcher, "Why are economists' brains so much more expensive than financial advisors' brains?"

The butcher replies, "Kid, do you know how many economists we have to go through to find an ounce of brains?"

Robert Persichitte, CFP and founder of

DeLAGify Financial

in Arvada, Colorado

A hedge fund manager starts a new job, and he's a bit worried because the last manager had poor performance and resigned in disgrace. On his first day, he finds three envelopes in the desk, each labeled "For an emergency."

After his first quarter, things aren't looking so good, so he opens the first envelope. It says, "Blame the government." He makes a press release, and his bosses seem happy, so he continues on.

The next six months are fine, but quarter 4 disappoints again, so the manager pulls out the second to see a note that says, "Blame the market." This press release goes as well as the last one, so he continues on.

After a few years in the job, he has another bad quarter and opens the third envelope. The note starts, "Get three envelopes…"

Anne Marie Webster, CFP and owner of

Curated Capital & Planning

in Lewisville, North Carolina

Lyrics to the hot new song "I'm an Advisor," sung to the tune of Destiny Child's 2001 classic, "

I'm a Survivor

":

Thought I couldn't guide you about paying for college
However that's a subject where I have lots of knowledge
You thought I had no clue about tax situations
But I can help you plan before you have to pay them
You first thought my fees were too high, were noncommittal
Now you see the light and that I charge too little
Once our planning's done for sure you're gonna love me
'Cause I showed you ways to multiply your money

I'm an advisor (What?)
I'm not gon' give up (What?)
I'm not gon' stop (What?)
I'm gon' work harder (What?)
I'm an advisor (What?)
You've got to listen (What?)
Take my advice (What?)
And I'll keep advising (What?)
I'm an advisor (What?)
I'm not gon' give up (What?)
I'm not gon' stop (What?)
I'm gon' work harder (What?)
I'm an advisor (What?)
I'll keep you saving (What?)
Take my advice (What?)
High-five your advisor (What?)

(Bridge)

Wishing you could see
A portfolio should be
A little cash, stocks, bonds and true diversity
(I'm better than that)
You better not go to Fidelity
(I'm better than that)
Edward Jones or Morgan Stanley
(I'm better than that)
I won't let you invest in an IPO
(I'm better than that)
Won't let you lend money to your family-o
(I'm better than that)
You know I won't give stock tips on the internet
'Cause compliance taught me better than that!

I'm an advisor (What?)
I've got my suit on (What?)
I'm wearing glasses (What?)
They make me look smarter (What?)
I'm an advisor (What?)
You've got to listen (What?)
Take my advice (What?)
And I'll keep advising (What?)
I'm an advisor (What?)
I'm not gon' give up (What?)
I'm not gon' stop (What?)
I'm gon' work harder (What?)
I'm an advisor (What?)
Look at your statements (What?)
Much better outcomes (What?)
With an advisor (What?)